I Know Just How You Feel

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Once the memorial service is over and all your family and friends return to their homes you will find yourself trying to figure out and understand this new life you were just thrown in to. You will read all the cards and notes and listen to the messages left for you. Some of them will bring you comfort and some of them will leave you feeling annoyed and even angry. You will hear comments from well meaning family friends and coworkers that will make you say “what is that supposed to mean?”

Things like:

  • They are in a better place
  • God needed another Angel
  • At least you still have your other child(ren)
  • I know just how you feel. My (grandma, grandpa, mother, father, cat, dog……..) died
  • There is no way I could survive the loss of one of my children
  • You can have other children
  • Stay strong for your other child(ren)
  • Everything happens for a reason
  • Time heals all wounds
  • let me know if you need anything
  • I don’t know how you do it

Initially you will want to scream, yell, shout at them. “How can you say that?” But most people mean well. They just have no clue what to say to a grieving parent or how to say it. In reality I probably would have said the exact same things before Michael died. When they say they know how you feel they are trying to relate to you in any way they can. As the years go by it does become a bit easier to remember that and give them a measure of grace.

In the early days your job is just to survive. You take it one day, one moment, and sometimes one breath at a time. There is no timeline for grief. There is no roadmap or manual on how to grieve. No two parents will have the exact same journey. Do not compare yourself to anyone else. Be kind and be gentle to yourself.

I found comfort in going to a support group. Years later I still go. I found a local chapter of the Compassionate Friends and as tough as it was walking in to a group alone, once there I found people who understood my journey and my pain. We all had one thing in common. We had children who had died. We share our stories, we share our journeys and it is amazing to be with people who just get you and understand. I would encourage you to seek out a support group for grieving parents. There are in person and on line groups. I find it comforting to hear how other parents survive. I have adopted some of their ideas in my own journey. I love that on days when I’m struggling I can text, message, or call one of them and they will understand and offer me a bit of time to talk and a bit of hope that I will survive.

Time does not heal all wounds. “You don’t get over it” but somehow you get through it. The days turn in to weeks, months and then years. As time goes by it gets “softer”. You do learn to laugh again and smile at the memories. Yes, you will always have what I call “Michael days” when life is overwhelming to you. You will hear a song on the radio. You will see a text or a read a post on Facebook that throws you in to a panic. Be gentle to yourself. On those days give yourself space and time. Learn to show yourself grace and love. If you need time alone, take it. If you can’t stand being by yourself and just feel the need to be with someone call a trusted friend and go for a walk, or get a cup of coffee. And above all remember you are not going crazy. You are grieving.

I

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