I can’t tell you how many times I read “you are in my prayers call if you need anything.” The truth is I probably wrote those very words many times over the years. The truth is a grieving parent has no clue what they need let alone the energy to ask for it. So I created this list of ways you can support your loved one when they are grieving the lost of their child.
- show up. Bring a bowl of soup or a pizza.
- Stick around wipe down the kitchen or bathroom. Just don’t clean our child’s room or wash their clothes unless we ask you to.
- Sit with us if we can’t talk.
- Talk about our child. Let us know he/she isn’t forgotten.
- Call and leave a message so we know you called if we just can’t answer the phone
- text to check in and ask how we are doing.
- Don’t be afraid to talk about our child. We haven’t forgotten. You won’t be reminding us of anything.
- If you never met our child ask about him/her. We love to talk about our children.
- Send pictures or videos you may have of our child.
- Invite us out for a walk or coffee. We might not accept, but we like to be asked.
- Know there are 2 days a year that we need a break. No matter how many years have passed the anniversary of our child’s passing and their birthday will bring strong emotional reactions. Be kind and gentle. Send us a text, a card, a message, flowers. Let us know you haven’t forgotten. Ask how we are doing.
- Know you can’t fix us. Simply love us as we are.
What to say:
- I am sorry.
- I care.
- I am here for you.
- Tell me about your child.
- I don’t know how you feel but I am here and I care.
- My favorite story about your child is………….
- Nothing just sit with us.
What not to say:
- Time heals all wounds.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- I know just how you feel (unless you too have lost a child).
- God needed another angel.
- You can have other children.
- Be thankful you have other child(ren).
- It will get easier
- God doesn’t give us anymore than we can handle.
- Let me know if you need anything.
- You are so strong.
- I don’t know how you do it.
- I could never do it.
- It’s time to put this behind you.
Loving someone who has lost a child might mean you have to change plans or accept there are sometimes we simply don’t have the energy to show up at family gatherings, or we may choose to leave early when a situation is overwhelming. If we say “I need to leave or I just can’t do it today.” Just accept us as we are. Don’t try to talk us in to anything. Give us a bit of space and time then call to say check in and let us know we were missed.
Know things like family weddings, funerals, Christmas gatherings, and baby showers will always be tough. It will bring up the emotions that we might not be able to handle. It doesn’t mean we aren’t happy for you or that we don’t love you. Know we care, but if our emotions are raw and tender we might need to arrive late or leave early.
Please don’t give up on us. Just love us and know we are doing the best we can.