When Mike died I became someone entirely different. I was no longer the same mom, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend I was before. Believe it or not in some ways I am better than I was prior to Mike’s passing. You might not see it now but one day you will look back and realize you are not the same person you were before your child died. You will realize in some ways you are more aware and more tolerant and believe it or not a better you than you were before..
I now know that life can change in the 10 seconds it takes to answer a phone or open a door. I love a bit more deeply and forgive more freely. In my head I knew none of us was guaranteed tomorrow, but you never really KNOW it until you go through the unthinkable. I have also found I know what is important in life and I don’t get caught up in the bullshit of life. When coworkers and friends begin to complain about schedules, or politics, and stuff that I don’t consider important I walk away. In the past I might have gotten caught up in the gossip, and the complaints, and joined in. Now, I am more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt. When people are miserable or cranky and rude I am not so quick to judge or react. I am more likely to ask how I can help or what I can do. I have learned is everyone has a chapter in their book that they don’t read out loud.
I have found out what is important and I have found I need to make time for my family and my friends. No one has ever said “I should have spent more time in the office.” I have learned it is ok to say “no”. I have learned to prioritize and I have learned it is ok to focus on me and to take care of my needs. I learned that I was not indispensable and as important as I thought I was. My work could figure out and did figure out how to go on without me. I found out it was ok to take care of me, because I am not good to anyone else if I am burned out and fatigued.
It isn’t an automatic transition to this place. It takes awhile until you are ready to shift and change your thinking. I remember in the early years being with a family member who was sad (and rightly so) that her daughter was not coming home for Christmas. She had a fiancé and holidays would need to be divided between both families. As I was listening to her what I wanted to say was “Be happy at least your daughter is alive and you can talk to her any time you want.” Those feelings are normal and they are ok. Somedays you just can’t stop it. You hear the words popping out of your mouth. I personally think that is ok. It can lead to communication and honest heartfelt talks about your feelings, hopes, and thoughts. To bury our thoughts and hold it all in is detrimental to our mental and physical health.
The first time I laughed after Mike died I felt horrible. How could I laugh when my son was gone? But I have found it is ok to laugh. It is ok to have fun. It is ok to live. I love sharing Mike stories. He was a goofball. There are lots of great stories to tell about his short life. I still love hearing his stories from his friends. I really like the ones that start with “Mike said never to tell his mom this……………..” And I laugh and I cry at times and I can hear his laugh in their laughs and it makes me happy that he isn’t forgotten. Life can get easier and it can be good again.
I highly recommend keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Writing is very helpful and therapeutic. . If you aren’t a writer and the thought of writing long entries is too much. You can use bullet points and lists of feelings and thoughts you are having. There is something therapeutic about writing and getting the stuff our of your head and on to paper. But as you are writing I want you also to write 3 positive things that happened that day as well. In the beginning it might be that “I got up and got dressed today.” or “I remembered to eat before 5 pm.”. In the beginning I considered it a successful day if I remembered to change my underwear every day.
I am sending you all lots of love and hugs. Time doesn’t not heal all wounds. But you will learn to live and to laugh again. I wish peace for all of you.