Mother’s Day 2021

Dear friends,

I want to offer you all a bit of encouragement today. Mother’s Day can be a tough day for many women. Women who wanted to be a mother and couldn’t, women who lost a mother, women who are grieving the death of one or more of their children, women who have children, but are estranged from them, women who are trying and waiting to become a mother. And the list goes on.

I lost my mother when I was 10 back in 1976. Mother’s Day has always been a tough one for me. As a nurse I always volunteered to work that day, or later in my career to take call for the new mom’s so they could spend the day with their new babies and families without fear of the day being interrupted. I stopped going to worship services because the obligatory sermon on Mother’s and the Proverbs 31 wife/mother was more than I could take. I have learned over the years that I get to choose how I spend the day.

Mother’s Day 2016 I choose to hike in the Grand Canyon. I started at 5:00 AM from the south rim. Hiked to the Colorado River and back out. Finishing at 7:00 PM. It was a gorgeous day and a gorgeous way to spend the day. I had no idea how different my life was to become. My oldest son passed away November 27, 2016. Had I known that it would be my last Mother’s Day with him alive would I do life differently? Perhaps. I am grateful that I didn’t know what was to come. I would have been in all out panic mode trying to change what was to come.

My son was a 911 dispatcher with a huge heart. He would probably have volunteered, and perhaps he did, to work for a coworker so she could spend the day with her children. I honestly don’t recall any more. Our lives will continue to change. If our children were still here perhaps they would have children of their own. Perhaps they’d have a job where they work weekends, perhaps they would have moved away and our Mother’s Day would look totally different. That is the way life is. And, thankfully, we don’t know the changes that are to come.

I want you all to know that even if your children are living in Heaven and not here on earth you are still their mother. You still deserve a special day of doing what you want to do. You get to choose how you spend the day. Some of you may be so new to this life that you don’t want to do anything special. That is ok. Some of you may choose to make yourself a special meal or go out for one. That is ok. You might decide to go hike the Grand Canyon, or go on a long walk or bike ride, or head to the beach. Whatever you decide to do for the day is ok. You might not want to gather with family or friends. You might find you need the comfort of being with people who understand and get you. That is ok too.

I wish for you all a peace and a day full of doing whatever it is you choose to do. On days when the memories come rushing in and I can’t stop them I may go to photos or videos and just cry for a bit and tell my son that I love him. I look for signs from him that tell me he loves me too.

Some of you might not believe in signs and that is ok. I personally, have a collection of coins, feathers and heart shaped rocks that always seem to show up when I need them most. I see a yellow butterfly and I say hi to my mom. I see an eagle and say hi to my son. I believe that our loved ones and our children can see us and send us signs that they are ok.

For a couple of years after Mike died I longed for someone to show up at my door with a child to tell me that it was Mike’s child so that I would still have a piece of him here on earth. It was my mother’s heart just wanting a bit of him. But as the years have ticked by that fantasy has faded.

As you do Mother’s Day in whatever way you choose to do it. Know whatever you decide to do for yourself this weekend is ok. It is your choice to celebrate, or not. Know it is ok to have your own back and do whatever you feel is comfortable for you. And it is ok to try out different things and different ways of getting through the tough days. You get to choose.

I wish for you a day of peace and good memories.

XOXO,

Mike’s mom

Robin

This little robin has been at this window for weeks. He flies away only to return. He sees himself in the window and flies at it and hits himself in the chest/head. As I sit working in the room next door I hear the thumps as he repeatedly flies in to the window. He will fly away but always seems to return the same bush and the same window and the cycle continues.

As I thought about this bird my first thought was he wasn’t very bright. One would think he would eventually realize that the bird in the window was himself and he would stop flying in to the window. Myself and my cats have gotten a kick out of watching him fail repeatedly. I thought what a dumb little bird. He doesn’t realize how utterly stupid he is.

Then I thought that little bird is a lot like me. For the last 4 years I was doing the same thing every night. I was sad and depressed and wanted to escape my reality. I would drink wine to numb and forget my reality. I wasn’t really expecting different results I was just not wanting to have to face life and reality of living without one of my children. I would drink wine to escape and forget about life for awhile. I kept coming back to the same thing night after night. Just like the robin keeps coming back to my window.

I would come to the same conclusions over and over again. I must have done something wrong. I must have been a lousy mother. It was my fault. Over and over I would blame myself. Like the robin I kept coming back over and over again to try to catch the bird in the window. My thoughts kept returning and coming up with the same thoughts. I was in a cycle of beating myself up, feeling lousy and drinking wine to escape hoping to wake up to a new reality, or at the very least to escape from the reality I was in .

Then one day I discovered that I wanted to figure out how to live again. I wanted to stop the numbing and trying to escape. I slowly was coming out of the fog, and I wanted to learn how to see in color again. I found a life coach and learned to feel my feelings and process those feelings. I learned it’s ok to be sad and angry even. I learned that I am in control of what I think and my thoughts drive my actions. I learned to love myself and to stop the insanity of the nightly over drinking. With the help of some very brave women I am learning how to live again.

This morning as I sat hearing the thud, thud, thud of the little bird against the window I again thought how very much this little bird is like me. . I thought today that the little robin keeps failing again and again. Yet he comes back gets up spreads his wings and tries again. Just like I am learning to do.

What I am learning is it is ok to fail. It is an opportunity for growth. When I fail I have learned to evaluate and find the reason why I failed and to figure out what to do differently next time. I get to choose how I respond. I can either respond with self loathing and feeling crappy or I can respond with self love and tenderness and give myself the grace I so often extend to others, but not to myself. I have to learn to keep breathing and processing and trying again.

I have learned to listen for my little friend. I have learned to love him and I am rooting for him to keep on trying.